It’s the career that fuels champagne tastes on a cask wine budget.
Media provides the Friday lunches but curses the other six days when you’re trying to decide what to eat. So it’s natural then that whenever a corner of the office rings out with, ‘Happy Birthday to you…’ that you immediately run over to try and salvage the remains.
It’s there. And if anyone is going to eat it, it’s you.
But competition will get extremely fierce towards the end of the month. See Figure A.
Figure A: Sad, decrepit 28th birthday cake debris
What is the protocol here? How quickly can you pounce in with your own plate? How much is too much to take? It’s not only birthdays that spark these questions. Whenever a plate of food that was ordered for a meeting but not eaten is brought into public view, the competition for the scraps is fierce. How can you compete?
Well the easiest way is to know your colleagues. And they all fall into three categories. Keep your friends close, keep your enemies closer. The 3 types of media food fighters:
1. The Seagull
You can always hear these people coming. Their approach is fast but obvious. Despite collecting a piece of food, the mess they leave behind is formidable. A trail of crumbs, sauce on the floor or an uneaten plate at their desk – these must be watched but not mimicked. Subtlety is not their friend. Loud noises will disperse seagulls and leave you time to get your fair share.
2. The Common Ant
The ant is a respected forager. These people will commit to getting food not just for themselves but the teams back at their desk too. They might be respected but they can be slow. Their selflessness is their weakness. They spend half their time gathering utensils and plates to ferry the food back home. To combat this, put all cutlery and plates into the dishwasher to thwart their rummaging effort. You’re here because you’re hungry. Remember that.
3. The Vulture
Despite the name, this is the most common and experienced form of scavenger you’ll find in agencyland (Bottoms Up are proud vultures in this respect). With experience comes a sixth sense of what meeting will be over-catered, when and where. These people will be waiting in the wings, outside the meeting room or would have already asked reception what was ordered and how many people were in the meeting.
These people are efficient. You have no choice but to get to their level. They also have a keen eye for the choice cuts of egg and bacon sandwich, roast beef wrap and the once-crispy-now-soggy croissant. Despite the preparation, the vultures are very picky, having refined their tastes to a narrow spectrum. The best bits will be gone. Don’t even bother.
So now you know what you’re up against. It’s a tough industry. It’s a tougher job when you’re hungry so do your best to hone your skills.
Consider this a ‘lunch n learn’. You’ve learned. Now lunch.
Winter is coming. Be prepared.
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